You can spot painful thoughts and feelings in your interactions with others by using your Me noticing skills. The content of your thoughts and the intensity of your feelings often relate to how important the interaction or relationship is to you. For example, the more important, the more painful they feel. You can improve your interactions with others by identifying the meaning they have in your life. Below are some things you can do to act more effectively and improve the quality of your relationships with others.
Use the Matrix
- Notice the person you are interacting with has their Matrix.
- Notice the person is acting in the outside world.
- Notice what’s happening inside and outside you.
- Notice any painful thoughts and feelings for what they are, reminders of what’s important to you.
- Choose to take action to move toward what’s important in your life.
Educate others about the Matrix
- Show the person the Matrix diagram and explain how it works.
- Invite the person to use it with you.
When you educate others about the Matrix, you give them a chance to understand what you’re doing when you use it. Others can draw out the unworkability of their problem-solving approach to pain, choose what’s important to them, and then take action in those chosen life directions. Finally, when others begin to use the Matrix, it allows you to listen and validate their experiences. It also allows you to use your knowledge of what truly matters to them to choose which actions to take that strengthen your relationship with them.
Notice any painful thoughts or feelings you have about the person
Notice how painful thoughts and feelings affect your mood and the relationship. Complete the What’s Wrong with My Relationship worksheet.
Practice LOVE for romantic relationships
- Let go: notice any painful thoughts and feelings when interacting with the person and allow them to come and go, like passing cars outside your house.
- Open up: be willing to experience painful thoughts and feelings instead of trying to avoid, get rid of, or escape them.
- Value: identify what’s important to you in the relationship, such as communicating caringly, acting lovingly, relating respectably, embracing wholeheartedly, or behaving warmly, and then set specific, meaningful, adaptive, realistic, and time-framed (SMART) goals that are “What I’m Sincerely Enthusiastic” (WISE) about doing. Complete the Values Guided Action worksheet.
- Engage: be present in the moment instead of up in your head and move toward the person to develop a stronger, deeper connection, such as going to dinner, talking, listening attentively with curiosity and compassion, or doing something together that both of you enjoy.
Cultivate compassion, empathy, and respect
Handouts
References
- Gallo, F. J. (2016). A practitioner’s guide to using the acceptance and commitment therapy matrix model. Frank J. Gallo.
- Gallo, F. J. (2017). Bouncing back from trauma: The essential step-by-step-guide for police readiness. North Charleston, SC: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
- Harris, R. (2009). ACT with love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.