As many people do, perhaps you noticed aggressive actions on your solutions list when drawing out your problem-solving approach to painful life situations. Aggressive actions in response to something painful might involve harming another person or damaging property when someone has violated your values or mistreated you. When aggressive, the basic message is that my thoughts and feelings are important, and yours aren’t.
Instead of acting aggressively, perhaps you noticed acting passively. You walked away, said nothing, or avoided someone, for example, allowing that person to violate your values or mistreat you. Maybe you tried to mess things up for the person behind their back, acting passive-aggressively. You might resent the person who treated you poorly or be mad at yourself for not standing up for your values. When passive, the basic message is that your thoughts and feelings are important, and mine aren’t.
An effective way to respond to people you believe have violated your values or mistreated you is to act assertively. Standing up for yourself and respectfully expressing your thoughts and feelings is acting assertively. You can express your thoughts and feelings without experiencing the consequences of aggression or passivity. When assertive, the basic message is that my thoughts and feelings and yours are important, too.
Aggressive and passive behaviors are learned and changeable. You can learn assertive responses to pain, enabling you to respond more effectively to others. Download and print the Assertiveness versus Aggression Worksheet to complete.